I should have remembered this from the past, but I tend to push some things to the back burner of my mind when I don’t want to acknowledge them. I know from experience, if I push my body too hard, it can and will push back. I know that I am so much better with my MS, but I tend to forget that healing takes time. I didn’t get as sick as I was a few years back over night and while I have made such incredibly huge leaps in my health, there are still a few residual things that are lingering. One of those is fatigue.
But I still push myself anyway and sometimes I do prove to be my own worst enemy. It’s been a busy month getting the new offices ready to open on Monday. We do have them ready, Julie and I, and while the bathroom painting isn’t completed, we can open for business and it’s exciting! During this month I have also been working on my Yoga Teaching Certification. When I’m not at the shop cleaning and painting, I’m home studying yoga and completing the course work. Then in my spare time I get my weekly spiritual Class that I teach ready and I’ve started running and riding my bike again. I push myself beyond what I should and yet, I keep telling myself that I can do it all.
My body stepped in and reminded me that no, I can’t do it all, not yet. Since December I have been looking forward to February 1 and my one day Yoga Intensive that would bring all that I’ve learned together and I would be teaching a 20 minute class. My class was worked out, I had practiced it with Julie and I was ready. Friday night, we had company show up at 8 PM. I knew that I was already tired, no naps for over a week and still pushing hard. I should have gone to bed at 8, but hindsight is always 20/20 and I went to bed after 11 PM.
The Yoga Intensive was an hour and half drive from my home. I needed to be there at 7:45 AM, so I had to get up at 5 AM. I woke up at 3:30 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep. I got up exhausted, made my lunch, still determined to get through this day that I had waited so long to attend. My husband was worried as it was a long drive and he had other commitments for that day; he asked “is this class worth dying over?” My exhaustion must have shown clearly on my face. I guess that at that time, I thought it was or I was in very strong denial.
I got in my car, set the GPS up with the address and started out. The fog was so thick that I couldn’t see more than a few feet in front of the car. My nose was pouring, a sure sign that I am exhausted and my body is breaking down. I drove to the first stop sign and I could hear as plain as day the question “what are you doing?” I sat at the stop sign for a bit, unable to see anything around me through the fog, and I knew that I couldn’t drive an hour and a half there, much less home again after a 9 1/2 hour class. I turned the car around and drove back home. I felt defeated.
I went back to bed and slept until 10:30 AM, got up for a bit and lay back down on the couch and slept another three hours. I spent the day in reflection (when I was wake) that began with chastising myself for pushing to hard when I knew better, to accepting that what is is and now, I’ll see what my next step will be.
As I did my yoga this morning I felt a sense of peace. Yoga in my life was a necessity to move me forward upon my path. I will continue to study each Asana, the body, the movements, the breath, as each piece of the yoga practice moves me further along my own journey. It will help me to continue to heal, not only myself, but my Clients as well.
I plan to spend another quiet day today, resting, learning, contemplating. I take responsibility for pushing to hard, the only one that ever pushes me is me. The Universe is telling me it’s time to slow down and the new offices are opening next week and I will be working with my Clients in a more regular way again. Helping them to heal, helps me to heal. I am looking forward to the next steps in my journey.